I sometimes have moments of clarification.When the sudden thought of my existence pierces through me. Clarification, yet at the same time, a deep alienation and depression for my environment, because of my environment. I can see nothing, but the darkness of the inner core my mind, bouncing back to me from the others due to my impure thoughts and acts.
When I woke up, I was in my room. The lights were out, but I could vaguely distinguish the objects surrounding me.
The lamp was sitting on a small table besides my bed. The window was open and a cold salty breeze filled the room.The curtains were rustling softly and the door closed. The table and chair near the television were the most difficult to see due to the way the moonlight lit the room, but they were the first things my tired eyes noticed.
Noor was sitting there, the chair turned towards the bed and away from the desk. She was looking out of the window, her tiny fingers were plucking her pink lips. Her eyes looked empty, as if they had been awake for a long time. She noticed the sound of the bed cracking.
''You're finally awake?'' her soft voice whispered as I tried to sit up straight.
My hands were hurting. My head hurting.
''Yeah.'' I answered in a trembling voice.
I tried to remember what had happened. I saw the beach before me, Noor sitting in front of me. The bruises on my hands remembered me of what had happened. How I had an attack Mother always hated so much and how I embarrassed myself in front of Noor.
Blood was rushing to my cheeks and my heart was pounding heavily in my chest. My head felt light and as she spoke to me, I couldn't do anything but break down in tears. I didn't hear what she said and frankly I didn't care. Embarrassment was the only thing I could feel at that moment and I was drowning in it to the point I couldn't breath anymore.
I had buried my head inside a pillow, too ashamed to look at her worried eyes. She quickly rushed over to my side. Her warm petite hand was stroking my back and pushing my hair away, so that they wouldn't stick to my damp cheeks.
My throat hurt as I was desperately trying to inhale the cold air. My lungs were refusing the unfamiliar air. My head felt light, I couldn't think straight anymore.
What are you doing here? What's the point, eh? Why are you here? What is your purpose here? What are you doing here? What's the point, eh? Why are you here? What is your purpose here? What are you doing here? What's the point, eh? Why are you here? What is your purpose here? What are you doing here? What's the point, eh? Why are you here? What is your purpose here? What are you doing here? What's the point, eh? Why are you here? What is your purpose here? What are you doing here? What's the point, eh? Why are you here? What is your purpose here? Your purpose. Why are you here? The point, eh? Your purpose. Tell me your purpose.
''I wanna go home!'' I finally cried. Noor looked startled.
I could slowly feel my breathing tempo becoming normal again. I sighed a few times deeply, until my heart rate became regular. A void of nothingness replaced the panic.
''Hm, hm,'' she mumbled.
I looked at the sheets, as she stroked my back and touched my head. I felt ashamed and gross. The girl with the fair hair climbed on the bed and sat across of me with her legs open towards me. Her hands were resting in front of her and she leaned on them, uncomfortably moving to the front and back.
She looked so young and childish. Her shoeless feet were visible and she wiggled her toes. Her eyes were filled with worries.
''Please say something,'' I begged as she was looking out of the window.
I couldn't see what she thinking. I tried looking for her eyes, but she turned her head away from me. Her blonde hair had a blue glow in the night, that made her look more mature. When she finally turned her gaze towards me, her eyes were looking right through me. I felt a shiver in my spine as she spoke.
''You can't go home,'' she said in a rather icy voice.
''Why not?''
She stared out of the window again, now biting her lower lip. I waited patiently, but she remained silent. I waited for her lips to open up, but nothing came out of her.
My heart was aching, so I leaned towards her and took her pale hand. They felt surprisingly warm in mine. She first looked at our hands and then at me. Her eyes looked inviting, her lips whispered something that my head chose to ignore. Maybe so I could fully imbibe her presence.
As she sat there glowing as pale as only the moon could, I can tell you, dear reader, had she obeyed me to die before her, I would've fallen before her feet. Right there in that very room, with a blush of shame on my cheeks, I could only think about what sweet secret there was for me to explore behind the ivory chambers that beheld the lock to our intimacy.
A lock for me to open.
As I pulled myself closer to her, I felt our friendship bloom to its fullest. The shame I felt earlier completely vanished in order for me to drown in the sea of lust that her thirst provoking lips pulled me into. And with every sip I took, my need to drink grew.
That was indeed, my dear reader, the moment I had come to the realization that she whom I had seen as a friendly stranger, had become my mirror in more than one way. Reflecting not only who I truly was, but also reflecting the long held desire we both felt and that was finally reaching its climax.
When the peak of the mountain had been conquered, she layed besides me with her head buried in my neck, while I lit a cigarette. Her lips finally opened up.
''I wanna die.”
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