Diary of a Certain Lady : Chapter 6

My watch read seven pm when we arrived at the hotel. It wasn't anything worth bragging about. A simple small hotel made out of white wood. The road towards it was pretty actually, it was a huge asphalt path that only went in one direction, so getting lost was rather difficult as long as you followed the gray path.  The first thing I noticed is the amount of space surrounding the hotel. Except for a few cars in front of the entree, there was nothing. On the left side you could see the beach. As guide had promised, it wasn't far away. 
''You can reach it in fifteen minutes,'' he told us. The sand was easily visible, but if I tried hard enough I could vaguely see a silver line, that supposedly was the sea. Tints of orange and pink were splattered all over the sky in a dramatic waltz. The sight was beautiful and I closed my eyes for a moment, deeply breathing in the salty air wanting to stay in this trance for a little longer. I then opened my eyes again to behold its beauty once more. 
''Coming here was a good idea,'' I whispered to myself. There I stood looking at the silver line and I noticed that I wasn´t the only one intrigued by this sight. None of us had ever seen the sea before, as we came from a gray city surrounded by hills and mountains. The sight of the sea was like a fresh breath of air after a lifetime of suffocation. I deeply inhaled the salty air once more. Even the fair haired girl was staring in the distance with sparkling eyes. The sun was reflecting in her pupils and brightened her porcelain brown eyes. Laugh lines around her cherry mouth completed her dollish appearance. The sight was indeed beautiful.
''Beautiful,'' I heard her mumble. Her voice sounded soft and warm at the same time. It felt so inviting and with the dreamlike atmosphere surrounding us, I wasn't if I was awake or dreaming. She had closed her eyes, the watery sun brightened her peach like skin. If I looked more closely, I could count the gold hair on her face. Everything felt warm and radiating, my normally tight muscles were slowly relaxing. My head was drifting away. I was drunk. Can a perfect moment exist? Is there a point in life where all elements in life come together to play me a beautiful symphony?  Looking at her, it did. 
Looking at her I felt my own existence sting through me. What was I in this beautiful symphony? A false not ruining the moment? I lifted my hand and stared at it. It wasn't radiating, nor warm. I ran my eyes over my arms, they were pale and skinny. The skin of someone who had been damned to live inside, never seeing the outside world. I took a closer look at my thin fingers and disgust filled my stomach. Utterly aware of my presence, I felt disgusting. I was a prime example of someone who had never experienced life. A sense of shame was warming my cheeks. The sunlight was reflecting my pale skin and exposing it to everyone. I was shining, but not radiating like she was. Why was I here again? I looked over to the other people, who were returning my glare by pointing their fingers at me and laughing. I looked down to see what they were pointing at. My skin had turned from a pale white color to a glowing light shining brightly. My stomach was hurting and my head was turning. The world had lost balance, I was trying to maintain mine by fixating my eyes on the ground. 
Je suis, j'existe, je pense donc je suis; je suis parce que je pense, pourquoi est-ce que je pense? je ne veux plus penser, je suis parce que je pense que je ne veux pas être, je pense que je... parce que...
Balance, balance, balance! 
I glanced once at the fair haired girl, but then quickly turned over and took my bag towards the driver. He turned towards me, the sight of his smile snapped me out of the moment. My cheeks were slowly cooling down, I could sense that the ground beneath me had stopped moving. The people around me had turned back to normal. The old ladies were busy taking photographs of each other, while their husbands were staring into the sunset. I couldn't spot Noor anymore, but the moment I didn't want anything more than to get out of here and isolate myself from this madness. Our guide had a worried look on his face, when he saw me. I probably must've looked like a mad woman, but I still managed to speak politely to him, so he ignored it for the rest. When I asked him when we could enter the hotel, he told me that I could come and go as I pleased as long as I didn't forget the hand in the key by reception every time I left the building. I firmly nodded. 
''Have a pleasant day,'' he said and he smiled pleasantly at me. I tried to return it, but with what I had just experienced it didn't come off as naturally as I wanted it. He didn't look too mad, so I was sure I hadn't offended him. 
I walked towards the hotel, entered the reception and got my key. Room 35A. I felt a bit tired after the long ride, so I decided to freshen up, by taking a shower. It was 7 30 pm when I finished everything. I felt a bit hungry, but I didn't feel like going downstairs and seeing the crowd again. A bit indecisive I decided to smoke a cigarette to tame my hunger. I was just hanging outside the window, not particularly thinking about anything when I heard a knock on the door. I was a bit surprised, I wasn't expecting anyone. I walked over to the door to open it, only to see that no one was there. I looked into the hallway, left and right, but there was no one to be found. I closed the door behind me and walked towards my bed. 
Although I had rested a lot in the bus, I felt very tired. Sitting beside the girl made me feel tired, as I realized the intense pain in my muscles from sitting so nervously besides her. My neck felt the worst and I tried to slowly massage every inch of my body in an attempt to loosen my muscles. It didn't do much, so I just grabbed a pillow and rested my head on it. It felt very soft, like Mother's lap. My eyes felt heavy and my muscles slowly loosened as I felt that Sleep was covering His blanket over me. 
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Another knock. If it hadn't been for my sleepy head, I could've sworn it even had the same tapping pattern. I looked upon the bust of Athena before I dragged myself out of bed and opened the door. My head peeked out only to discover, that no one was there. Again. 
I deeply sighed about to close the door, before I peeked out of the door again and looked at my left and right into the hallway. 
No one. Not a single bug was moving. I turned around and headed back to my bed and tried to lay down. My mind was at unease, my head felt heavy, but worst of all, the grunts in my stomach were getting louder and louder to point that I couldn't ignore them. Most of the time I was the type that could survive a whole day on a cup of tea and cigarettes, but the extra energy to drag myself into this place needed to be refilled. So I had no choice but to brush my hair, pack my tiny handbag en search for a restaurant. 
I reminded myself to close the door before I left and handed my keys in downstairs to an middle aged lady, who uninterestedly took them from me. 
''Thank you,'' I still said to her in a friendly manner. Before I left she gave me a map of the area, I could read all the possible recreations I could partake it. Since I was hungry I looked for a restaurant that was near the sea and walked the necessary fifteen minutes. I lit another cigarette on the way while humming a lovely melody to an old song mother used to sing:
The trees are howling and the sea is flailing foam
Collect the sea shells near the willow
And you'll find Mother safe at home
I hummed the light melody all the way to the restaurant near the beach. I had forgotten to switch my shoes for sandals, so by the time I arrived they were filled with sand. I took them off and walked over to the restaurant, while the sea was lovingly stroking my cheeks. My long hair was tangled in a big mess, so I put it up while sitting at one of the tables outside waiting for a garçon to appear. The sea looked calm and peaceful, it was silver with bright colors of the sun reflecting on the water. I could sit here forever. The sun was setting and I had ordered a soup with a some garlic bread. The soup tasted salty, it was good. After such a long day I had forgotten how hungry I actually had become, as I hastly digged in. After I was done, I lit up a cigarette and let myself be embraced by the chair as I got lost into my own world again. The sight was something that needed to be shared. It was gorgeous indeed, but knowing that you're only one seeing this made a feeling of loneliness creep on me. The moment I stopped looking, the image would disappear forever. What a pity.
"Where are you, Noor?" I asked myself. "Come and keep me company, I am lonely. I long for a friend. You were nice and pleasant, I even smiled at the sight of you. We don't know each other, we will never see each other again. But I need a friend, please come to me." I softly mumbled as my eyes closed. 
It had been not to long ago on a hot summers day, when she approached me. The wind was pleasant and made up for the severe sunlight burning my skin. I was outside the wooden cabin with a Camel in one hand and Kafka 's Metamorphosis in the other. There wasn't much going these days. The beach was empty as usual and I had again spend my days collecting seashells from the seashore. They were perfectly aligned in front of me. Some were pink, others broken white and if I was lucky, a hint of baby blue, my favorite color. In front of me on the table I had a glass of cold lemonade, while I was sitting down and looking at the my beautiful shells. My dear came to me with a troubled face. I noticed her short skirt, that emphasized her honey colored legs in a girlish fashion. She held her book tightly to her chest. I could vaguely distinguish a book title, until she presented it to me. Not that I paid attention to what she said, because, my dear reader, my mind had blanked when I saw my Muse yet again standing in front of me. And at that moment, it had seemed that suddenly the world had become quiet to honor the welcome of what seemed to be the Goddess of Extase, Literature and Love. And yes, even I, your humble writer, could feel the radiation of her light overwhelm me. My lips were dry and I had the sudden need to write a poem, no hundreds of poems dedicated to my Muse, just to describe one perfect limb of hers, but my drunken state was awakened by her tender voice whispering:
"Excuse me?" I looked up to see her sitting in front of me at the restaurant. I blinked a few times with my eyes to make sure I wasn't dreaming, but indeed it was her, Noor. 
"Do you mind if I sit here? I know nobody else here," she softly asked. My mind was blanking at that moment, I felt I was drowning in my own presence. In our presence. I nodded as answer, still in the daze of where she appeared from. I hadn't hear her approach, but still here she was sitting. I was almost sure I wasn't dreaming. I averted my eyes from her looking at the sea and shrugged. 
"Do whatever you please." I said.
We sat across each other in silent, she was playing with her blonde hair. Her rainbow backpack was on her lap, she stared at it. I was looking at the sea with my chin resting on my hand peeking at my guest every now and then. I concluded that she walked to me when I had closed my eyes for a brief moment, that seemed the most logical. Still, what was the coincidence that she'd appear when I was thinking about her. Besides that, the realness of the ''dream'' made me question how much of this was a dream and how much that was reality. I could feel the throbbing of my heart in my ears and feel it in my throat thinking about my daydream. I closed my eyes for a few second, trying to compose myself, but her voice made it difficult for me to focus on my breathing. She was softly giggling in herself and I believe she was talking to herself. I felt uncomfortable because of her odd behavior so I finally broke the silence: "How are you doing?" 
She looked up at me and grinned, I could see her crooked teeth. She only looks beautiful with her mouth closed, the moment her mouth opened the Muse inside her died.
"I'm doing great. How about you?" 
I shrugged again. "Good, I guess." I answered. 
Except for the sea howling, there was little sound. I bit on my nails while staring at the small waves being formed. The sun had almost set, the hints of pink were vaguely visible before the sea devoured them. The tension between us became stronger when the silence fell. She coughed and opened her mouth.
"Do you want to see what I've found?" I looked at her while she was opening her bag. I vaguely smiled in response. 
''You're not much of a talker are you?'' she said while she was searching inside her bag. I didn't response, instead I tried to look inside her bag. She then presented me a few small shells. Some were pink, other broken white and, since I was lucky, one baby blue. My eyes widened in surprise. 
"Seashells," I whispered. 
She nodded happily. "Yes, look at the colors. I love the pink ones, they're gorgeous, but the blue one really caught my attention. Aren't they beautiful?" 
I looked at her with big eyes, but then pulled myself together and smiled at her. "Yes. They're very beautiful."
"If you think so, you're allowed to have one. I believe this one fits you the best, since I can see you don't like girlish colors that much," She pointed at my black trousers and black T-shirt. 
I looked at my clothes and then back to her. "You are very right." I said in a friendly manner. Her hands reached towards my hand and opened the palm, she put the blue shell inside and closed my fingers around it. "For you." she said. 
I looked at the shell and then at her. My heart was pounding. Where did she find these? No, she can't know. Or does she? She was back to playing with her hair, her face was showing no emotions. My cheeks felt warm again, I took a sip of my glass of water before I decided to be blatantly honest and ask her:
"Are you here alone?" her eyes were fixed on mine and she nodded. Her face still showed no emotion. The wind felt colder than usual. 
"Why are you here?" I was shivering, I'm sure she could hear that in my vice. I scrapped my throat and sat up straight. 
She was still looking emotionless at me. Once again she managed to look down on me. Where did her bright mood go, her sparkling eyes? Her voice sounded tired, as if she was sighing than speaking every word: 
"You will laugh at me, it's very strange." 
"Give it a shot, I'd say. You have nothing to lose," I said politely. 
I could see she was hesitating, but I waited patiently for her to find the right words. She was still twirling her fingers around her hair, then moved her looked up to me and I felt like hypnotized looking in her eyes. Some strange force was keeping me from looking away. We were staring at each other for a whole minute, before she looked away and started speaking. I felt very tired.