Diary of a Certain Lady : Chapter 7

''I want to destroy everything.'' she sighed. 
I remained silent as she was fiddling her hair, I tapped my feet. 
''It's quite weird, I can't explain it honestly,'' she looked into the horizon. ''It's this immense urge of wanting to burn everything, to destroy it, to watch it slowly die away and stop existing. It's a beastly craving I have difficulties containing in myself.'' 
I nodded thoughtfully. ''So, you mean you enjoy watching things broken? Ruined? In a huge mess?'' I asked.
She looked at me, her eyes were piercing through me. 
''I shouldn't be telling you this.'' 
''Who am I not to trust? Just an old lonely woman, who has little pleasure in life,'' I smiled bitterly. 
''Exactly. Wasn't the old saying not to trust strangers?'' she was resting her head on one arm, still looking at me. I shrugged. 
''Not if we become more acquaint. I'm not the type to judge anyway,'' I said. I wasn't sure if I was lying or telling the truth at that moment, but I just wanted to get to know her more. Maybe Fate had brought her to me, perhaps this kind of insanity was what was missing in my life. An orgasmic explosion of craziness, nonsense at its finest. I was ready to receive all of it. 
She remained silent. The seashells in front of me were perfectly aligned. I moved forward and picked one up, twisting it in my fingers as I thought of what to say next.
''I can tell you why I am here, if that makes you more comfortable?'' I said and she shrugged at my proposal, which I took as a yes. She seemed tired, it quite saddened me to see her that way, her bright eyes had become dim. It was quite a sad sight, that ached my heart. 
''Well?'' she asked impatient. 
I cleared my throat. ''I have lost my mother not too long ago.''
''Oh, really? I'm so sorry to hear.''
''Not at all, I'm actually glad she died.''
She frowned. ''Oh. So you mean you didn’t like her?''
''No, I liked her.''
She gave me a confused look I ignored. ''The fact that she's dead isn't bothering me. It's that she existed in the first place and then left me. If you're planning to leave me alone, why be with me in the first place? What kind of sadist do you have to be to make your own child go through a planned lost?'' I heard my voice shiver. 
''But how can you say it's planned? No one plans to die.''
I sniffed. ''Indeed, no one plans to die. It's either too late or too early, but never at the right time.'' 
She nodded thoughtfully, mumbling my words. I put another cigarette between my lips. 
''Care if I borrow your lighter again?'' I asked.
She looked through her backpack and handed me the small pink lighter. I lit my cancer and gave it back to her. She shook her head and said I could keep it. 
''Care to explain why such a pretty young lady like yourself carries a lighter?'' I asked as I blew smoke through my nose. 
The wind was playing in her hair and she shoved it away violently. ''Didn't you just hear what I said earlier?'' she said irritated. 
''Oh yes, you like to burn shit down,'' I chuckled. ''I'm glad you gave it to me then, I'll make sure you won't harm yourself.'' I looked her in the eyes, she avoided my gaze. 
''Weren't you telling a story?'' she asked.
''Ah, yes. But honestly, I think you're far more interesting than some old hack who has nothing but complaints about her sad little life,'' I said and her eyes lit up once I gave her the occasion to talk about herself. It was evident she was as narcisstic as I was. The pink atmosphere around her could throw you really off guard, mistaking it for childish innocent. 
Grinning all the way, she began talking. Most of it were little things that only established my prepossessed opinion about her. I couldn't believe I was right, when she said her favorite color was pink, that her favorite food was ice cream, that she was an only child, that she had her first kiss under a tree near her house, that she enjoyed spending her time drawing playing the piano, although she claimed she had no talent, that her favorite subject was art class. (Typical.) Everything made the most logical sense to me, except for her reason of coming to this place. 
''You are a very typical girl, Noor. However what you've just told me doesn't add up to your reason coming to this place,'' I said.
The grin on her face disappeared and she frowned again. ''I know it doesn’t, I never said it did. It's just an error inside me. People tend to think I’m a freak once they find out I sneak away to cause fires or break windows. Whatever it is, I can’t explain it. I can’t even understand it, how can I explain it to anyone else then? I just know it makes me feel bubbly and warm, like when I eat apple pie on a warm Sunday. Everything in me adds up, because I want myself to be that way.” her bright eyes had a sad glow when she finished speaking.
“Well it does make you feel happy and after all it’s you choosing to break stuff. Perhaps there’s no border between either,” I said.
“I told you, I want to be the way I present myself, not the error.” 
''Why not want and accept both?'' 
She shrugged at my question. ''Does it matter what I want? It's just the way reality is sometimes,'' she replied.
''But what if this isn't reality?”
“We are all just actors,” she replied.
She looked me in the eyes again. Her grumpy face turned into a Mona Lisa-ic mysterious smile, that I couldn't place inside the borders of this reality. I felt I was blacking out again, so I deeply inhaled the salty air of the beach to calm myself down. She was still smiling at me and for a brief moment, I thought I saw Mother somewhere hidden in the details of her face. She looked at me with a concerned look now, her smile was still there, but resting above her eyes were worried eyebrows. Her lips were moving, but I couldn't hear what she was saying. The wind was whiffling very hard that day. Impure thoughts were taking over me, as I could suddenly feel the hard punches Mother used to give me, when she caught me touching myself. I felt nauseous, at the verge of throwing up. Her warm hands were softly shaking my shoulder, her smile had disappeared and I could see her lips moving again, still no sound. 
Suddenly everything became quiet, every emotion and illness I had experienced at that moment disappeared all together in one big explosion of nothingness.  I was transcending this reality and all I saw were atoms moving. I looked at my hands again and let my cigarette drop onto the sand. I tried to lean over and pick it up again, but my hands weren't working. They mechanically were grabbing into thin air. as I stared at them. My nails were yellow beneath the black nail polish, I concentrated on the contrast between the happy and sad color. It was quite fascinating. I could see some sand between my nails, I was trying to get them out one for one, molecule for molecule. Somewhere around me I could hear a voice from far away. I couldn't place it. It sounded like a mixture of different notes thrown together into an incomprehensible frenzy. I shook my head again, trying to bind the lose letters together into a words, words into a sentences, sentences into speech. 
''A...r...e...'' was the beginning. 
''Y...o...u....'' came next. 
Are you? Am I? Yes I am, of course I am. I'm here, right here. Breathing and living. 
''O...k...a...y...'' the bag of atoms finished. 
Okay, I replied.
I felt my eyes were getting heavy, that I was drifting away from here. A warm hand was stroking my cheek, warmth was surrounding me. Even my insides felt warm and cozy. My muscles relaxed, I was closing my eyes, all the noise had stopped around me. I saw nothing, I heard nothing, I just felt warmth. The warmth was overwhelming, it felt nice at the beginning, but it was slowly suffocating me. Where was the wind? I tried moving, but my muscles felt too weak. The warmth was making it hard for me to breath, it was piercing through me. I couldn't escape it. I then realized it wasn't just warmth that was making me feel so odd, there was a bright Light burning onto my closed eyes, dragging me away from my Über-ich. I moaned, it hurt my eyes. Even closed the Light was getting through my eyelids. I squeezed my eyes, but it had no use. The Light and warmth were everywhere, it was getting inside me, making itself cozy, curled up inside my intestines. 
When I opened my eyes, I screamed at the sight of Noor.