Diary of a Certain Lady : Chapter 3

Fate is an odd lady. She determines my path, but has also given me free will to choose my own destiny. I suppose it depends on how moody or happy She is that day. Some days it seems as if my choices, no matter how hard I try, bring me towards that which I was striving to avoid. A mean classmate, spinach for dinner or a cold bath for misbehaving. Other days I'd have the luck of coming across a dime laying on the ground waiting for me or Mr. Cat wanting to get pet. After Mother's death I believe that Fortuna had become mad at me. The structure of life is something She controls. That was what I had neglected after Mother had died. In some sense I had dishonored Mother by making my own choices. You see, I stopped being naive and altruistic and instead I became sensitive, egocentric and liberated from this world and the others like Mother, but most of all from lady Fortuna. That can't go unpunished. 
Oddly enough, rather than feeling liberated when Mother died I felt lost and scared. The first few days were wonderful, it didn't matter what I did when I did it. I was free, swimming in an ocean of Freedom. Soon enough though I had come to realize that me swimming was an attempt at not drowning. The days went by and I neglected more and more rules Mother had taught me. It was exciting at first, but when I got past that phase I understood that beyond the borders of rules and structure there was nothing. Everything was empty. Suddenly it didn't matter whether it was half past ten or eleven o'clock when waking up. Whether it was Saturday, Tuesday, Monday, summer day, Spring evening or winter night.
Time, which I had always lacked, suddenly lost meaning. It didn't matter what happened when, as long as I got it done. Even then, there was no one controlling me, so even the tasks had lost their value. And when a person loses grip on the concept of time and value of their actions, they become nihilistic bitter people, who have nothing left living for. People who see no meaning in life, someone I could have become if it was all according to Fortuna's will. I believe that part of the world is reserved for the people She wants to punish. People who can't contain their curiosity and look beyond their borders of Fate. Soon though they realize there is nothing but emptiness. Those people are damned to live with bitterness and emptiness for all eternity. Those are the nihilists of this world. I could have become one of them. Lucky for me though; Fate only works in the realms of reality, where time and determinism exist. With my head in the skies, You see, after Mother's decease I had found my escape in my own little world. The world she had forcefully pulled my out of had finally opened its gates for me once again. Honestly I was worse than the nihilist, I was indifferent to it all. Wherever the wind took me, I'd go; I couldn't care less about this world, its meaning or destiny. I didn't need this world, I had myself and my own world. That was sufficient. And being a powerful Goddess, she couldn't stand seeing me, a mere mortal, overcome the power of Destiny. So what she did was cause me to escape my fantasies that reached beyond her powers and placed something in the real world she knew my heart couldn't resist.
No writer could resist. She was a sneaky Lady and she had finally grasped me, pushed me over the edge, 
Dear reader, I am sure you are familiar with the envy of Gods and Goddesses. They do not like being ridiculed, not one bit. Whether it's intentional or not is unimportant. But my indifference went beyond the limits of shameless elation. Even then a mortal acknowledges the power of Fortuna and tries to fight it, but me. I overdid it. You could say my act of indifference was the boldest thing She had ever experienced, far worse and more shameless than She could have ever imagined. So she put a curse on me. Not in the form of hell, Devils or eternal darkness. No, if only. What a relief it is only thinking about being consumed by Darkness. Instead of darkness, she handed me the torture of human desire. Instead of hell, I received bliss.
Instead of Devils, I saw a Muse. Instead of eternal darkness, I received the eternal suffering of Light.