Diary of a Certain Lady: Chapter 1

Light and life. A fresh breath of air in the midst of the smoke. I was suffocating, but she entered the flames and showed me light.  Her name reflected her essence, as if it existed solely to be associated with her. I often pondered what came first, she or the word. 
Noor.
These four letters signify my desire, my lust, my passion and grief. She was always shining beside me; while I was her humble shadow following her to wherever she took me. I am not much of a follower, instead I am and have been alone until a flash of light broke through the clouds and shone me the emptiness surrounding me. I had no need of a companion, so I thought. It is difficult to miss what one has never experienced before, you see? Loneliness. This loneliness began as my journey towards the end of life, never looking back or besides me, just focusing on going forward. There wasn't much for me to live for anyway, I had no one besides myself. The best thing to do, so I thought, was to just go towards Death rather than Him encountering me. Thus I spend my days doing the usual empty headed things every human around me did. I woke up at eight o'clock, I ate, I interacted with the world, I smoked, I worked, I drank. The usual. After a while these acts of life become a habit, in which your mind stops working and you become one with the world surrounding you. And with that time passes faster and faster. Not having to think about what you need to do put me on automatic pilot, there I was acting in front of the world, but never really present.  Maybe that's why I have difficulties recalling what I did before the Big Journey began. It is as if someone is asking me to remember a dream, I can describe it, but when I think I have gotten to the climax of the dream, it slips out of my hands into an unknown unreachable place. Mostly because there was no climax, which left me half lingering in emptiness. It probably isn't worth mentioning that I have so much difficulties remembering my past life. Or even if you could call it life, since I felt mentally dead. I actually see my life divided into two chapters. One named Darkness and the other named Light. The first has to remain in the darkness, where it belongs, where no one can see it. Why you ask? Because this diary is dedicated to my Noor. And where there is Light, all Darkness has no choice but to disappear. The other chapter must be mentioned and shown to the world to shine brilliantly, to make every inch of Darkness disappear, She burned inside me, as a writer. I long to make her immortal in my diary. 
Dear reader, who you are or might have been, let it occur to you that I have begun my diary with the name that has turned me into a sinner of passion and lover of ecstasy. This diary must not be taken lightly, no matter how reluctant you are of me or of this diary. Dear reader, I beg you, let the world know to whom I have dedicated this diary. Grieve over it, laugh over it. Experience my feelings along the way. Even make filthy remarks towards me and only me, for I am the one who has been cursed. Now it bears no importance anymore, but mind me, the foul creature, whom no one deems worthy any longer, for I have suffered for her. The least I ask is to pity me. You may even make blames towards me, dear reader, since I know it is in the essence of a human to judge someone’s choices long after the consequences have presented itself in front of them, me, a miserable person. Then frown and chuckle, knowing what they would have done in my place, had they been in my place. Always better, always wiser.
Do all of this, I have lost my feeling of dignity long ago. It bears no importance anymore. But let my Light become a lullaby for those who have not been born yet, the least she deserves. And let this become my story, the last one I will ever write, for when I have lifted my pen from the last letter, my suffering will finally stop and the thoughts of my Muse will die with me.