Painting 1: ''Lust''

''Lust''

Midnight Conversations at the Age of 19-II

Me: I'm off to sleep. 01:31
Me: Good night. 01:31
You: Good night. 01:31
Me: I can't sleep.  01:52
You: Oh.  01:52.
Me: Dammit.  01:52
You: Keep trying.  01:57
Me: I hate my head.  02:02
Me: I just want it to shut up.  02:02
You: Brain activity.  02:04
Me: I'm a tad nervous to be honest. 02:11  
Me: Maybe that's why I can't sleep.  02:11  
You: Yes.  02:12  
You: Why are you nervous ?  02:12  
Me: I don't know.  02:12  
Me: It's just.  02:12
Me: People having expectations scare me.  02:12  
You: Why do you care ?  02:12  
Me: Hmm.  02:12  
Me: Because they're nice people.  02:12
You: Are you expecting anything in return?  02:13
Me: I don't know.  02:13
Me: No.  02:13
Me: Yes.  02:13
You: Ugh. Feelings.  02:14
Me: Yeah, but it's also nice.  02:14
You: It's cute and stupid.  02:14
Me: Exactly. 02:15

Midnight Conversations at the Age of 19-I

Me: What are you doing? 00:46
You: Nothing. 00:46
Me: Nothing at all? 00:46
You: No. 00:46
Me: I wanna paint. 00:47
You: Oh. 00:47
Me: And leave school. 00:47
Me: And be talented as an artist, any type. 00:47
Me: And have a gallery. 00:47
Me: And sell them for thousands. 00:47
You: We all have dreams. 00:47
Me: And spend my nights in a small expensive appartment with a white cat. 00:48
Me: And only read philosophical books. 00:48
Me: And just drink tea. 00:48
Me: And only eat lunch at small cute cafes. 00:48
Me: And buy more sweaters, skirts, heels and lipstick. 00:48
Me: That's what I want. 00:48
You: Go get it then. 00:49
Me: I'll try. 00:49
Me: What do you want from life? 00:49  
You: I want a lot of things. 00:50  
You: I want to learn how to play the cello. 00:50  
You: I want to listen to more music. 00:51
You: I want to read some books. 00:51  
You: I  want to watch some great movies I didn't get to watch yet. 00:51
You: I want to go to the gym. 00:51  
You: I want to learn how to drive. 00:51  
You: I want to meet people. 00:51  
You: I want to have a special somebody. 00:51
You: I want to continue my studies and do good research. 00:52
You: I want to get an apartment for myself. 00:52
You: I want to travel the world. 00:52
You: I want to hike mountains. 00:52
You: I want to go to a polar region and see auroras. 00:53
You: I want to be alive. 00:53
Me: They're reachable. 00:55
You: Easily reachable if things were running smoothly. 00:55
Me: Yes. 1:00
Me: I know. 1:00
You: I'm off to sleep. 1:03
Me: Okay. 1:03
Me: Good night. 1:03
You: Good night. 1:03

The State III: The Process

The State III

The Process:

It is difficult to put phenomenons, that being social behavior,  into words. It is hard to be a confident writer and still produce essays or books that are completely true. I can see this in myself. I have read books and admired them, books that show no coherency to each other whatsoever, but somehow still manage to convince me that there is some truth in what the author is saying. It was in this small confrontation with myself, that I could sense the ambiguity.

How odd it was reading two completely different philosophers, who were opposites and still find yourself nodding in agreement, once you read their arguments and stream of thoughts.

With every book I read, I did not feel at all that I was being presented wisdom, rather I felt that I was being confronted with my own ignorance. With every book, conversation or lecture I became more aware of how shallow my thinking process in actuality is. The world is much bigger; the people inside it have much more going on inside their head than they show.

It struck me with every conversation and it still shows how incompetent I am when it comes to discussions, because there is always a part of me that can see the reasoning behind one's thoughts.

No matter what I say, due to the complexity of the world and its people, we are de facto wrong when it comes to choosing the way we want to life; it is difficult to evaluate which values are superior to others. Ideals in itself are brilliant and we will happily nod in agreement when one exclaims: ‘’Liberté, egalité et fraternité.’’ Yet, the methods to get there often make us blind to remember what even the ideals were we so proudly stood for.

What is the reason for the failure we go through as human species? Is it perhaps that what we see as noble, actually is a handicap of some kind?

Life is failure, without ever having had the opportunity to even see the finish line, we will never be victorious. It is always an inner struggle between wanting two things that contradict themselves, but on their own are flawless.

Individualism, socialism, chauvinism, humanism, nihilism, freedom of speech, mutual respect, values, freedom, morality, rebellion, diversity, unity, nobility, patience.

It is a harsh way to see life. One could say that, but I would object. However, there is still some small candle light at the end of the tunnel.

Even when I was confronted with my own ignorance, I had discovered that in some way there are certain truths that we all share, that instinctively feels right and just.

The idea that one becomes aware from the push and pull movements of life, is only possible when one takes a break from life itself and tries to transcendent whatever world he is living in. Seeing everything not from a biased view, but seeing the world as followed:

The realization that we are part of a big flux that connects one another, in which our existence bases itself upon the choices of the generation beyond us and that our choices form the base for the generation after us. With other words, there is a bigger picture than just that which fulfills our individual needs, but ambiguously we still need to take those individual needs into consideration.

That is such a hard task in itself and is sometimes too demanding.

Not too demanding at all if you ask me. The reason for this, is that coming to this realization takes the most essential part of human nature in question. The ability to think, to be an individual between the herd, yet be one with the herd based on your individualism.

It is true that social behavior and political movements base themselves on the idea that certain ideals are more true, because they fulfill the goal they want to achieve, but that does not mean that the ideas of the rival don’t have the same source.

They still do, there is always some truth in the other, even if it not presented in the desired way. The only way to see that we are all going after the same idea in life, is eliminating the passive thoughtless behavior that many have, that has its root in the inability or refusal to think, therefore denying one’s own individualism.

And why do they do so? The reason being that it is easier to let someone else carry you to the goal and blame it on him if the possibility is open to failure, instead of owning up to one’s own mistakes.

There is no blame in mistakes, but only in being too coward to make them and owning up to your responsibility.