Diary of a Certain Lady : Chapter 5

''I know it's none of my business and that I have just met you, but why did you run away?'' I asked the girl with fair hair. She was looking at me intensely, her eyes wide and almost surprised. A playful smile danced on her lips.
''I´m curious,'' she said while tilting her head. ''To your answer.''
''To which question?''
''Can you tell me the resemblance between a slave and yourself?'' she asked while I turned my head to face the seat right of me. I thought for a bit and then turned to her and answered: 
''Is it perhaps that both exile themselves from freedom?''
''So I see, that's good to know.'' 
''What is the right answer?''
''There is none, it just tells a lot about the person answering it.'' she said in a playful manner. 
I smirked and softly said: ''Have I give too much away about myself?'' 
She looked confused at first, but then laid her hand on my arm. Her fingers were tiny and had a light pink glow them. It was hard resisting not to intertwining my fingers in hers and feeling the softness of her skin, but I managed. 
''You gave away just enough.'' she sounded content with my answer. I wanted to repeat my first question, but since she obviously had avoided it, I changed my focus to the conversation behind me. 
''Yes, my grandson has just finished school. He's 18, but honestly I would say he's still a child at heart. When he visits me, he can't resist saying no to the cake I give him. Did you know that it's the same cake as when he was just a small boy? Oh dear heaven, he has grown so much, but for me he still the lovable little boy he had always been.''
The old lady behind me kept going on and on talking about her grandson. The other one responded by saying something likewise about her granddaughter and it kept going on and on like this for a while. After a while I lost focus on who was whose grandmother, so the conversation turned into hugger-mugger. I lost interest and went back to looking at the girl beside me, but she was back staring out of the window with one tiny hand resting on her petite chin. The bus was driving for a long while and all the time I was quiet, while she was staring out of the window. I wish I could see what was going on inside her head, but then again I realized I shouldn’t care so much. After all, I had just met her. It was mostly her appearance that made me want to look at her, but she wasn't the first pretty girl I had ever encountered in life. Her disinterest in me made the more annoyed that she had per se chosen to sit beside me. I tried to make my mind clear by going inside my own head detached from this world. Everything needs to become objective, away emotions, away body over mind control. I need to alone. Her radiating glow wouldn't fade away as she sat still, slowly turning herself into a marble statue. She annoyed me, her presence annoyed me. The fact that she was pulling me back was annoying me. It was Mother all over again yanking at my pigtails saying I should start behaving normal now. Mother.
I suddenly had the urge to pick my pocket knife and jam into her head to see whether the stone was empty or hiding something from me. Even after I coughed a few times she didn't move so I slowly reached to my backpack to search for the tool needed for the job. I was holding the blade into my fingers and squeezing hard. The frustration of not being able to get through her gave me the extra strength to lift my hand and move it towards her small head. My eyes felt hot, my body was trembling with fury. I had her right there, she was in the perfect position for me to crack her open when suddenly the cracking voice of the intercom said that we had reached our destinations. Sound of the crowd around me woke me up from my thoughts. The knife was still in my hand, it fell out of my trembling hands onto the ground as she slowly turned her head towards me. She looked me with her watery warm eyes. I smiled at her.
Fucking hell, my head is hurting so much right I can't even concentrate. I've had my daily cup of water, why is my head bonking like mad? Oh god, what is even the purpose of this diary? I can't get myself to continue it. I have lost her already, so there is no reason in trying to build a climax to my story, the outcome is clear. Words are not enough to describe inner thoughts and feelings. When rereading what I've written so far, I feel nothing but utter frustration for not being able to justify my thoughts, my feelings, my inner desires. The worst part yet, I can't blame anyone except for myself. Is this what I've been doomed to? Not letting the world know, what I see, what I think or what I feel? This book is nothing but a vague shadow of what I once was, even now as my tears are making it hard to see what I'm writing, they seem to bring more emotion to it all than I ever could have done. Maybe I should seal them, maybe they will bring more emotion to the story than I ever could with my words. Tears are a part of me. So humane and fragile. They'll remain forever, in thought at least, but what if they dry up? The world must know what I have experienced god dammit! My pain and despair must be shown in some other way than mere ink. So cheap and forgettable.  
Dear God, I have lost my sanity, this story has to remain forever. If words won't do then maybe I should just write the rest in my own blood. Blood? 
Yes, do it in your own blood. 
Oh god, my dear you're so brilliant sometimes! Indeed, marvelous, perfect, ideal and phenomenal! I am not a shadow, I am made of flesh and blood, and that is indeed how my reader will perceive me. No they won't mock me, someone who bleeds for their lover will never be mocked. On the count of three. One...Two... Ssht... deep breath, sweetheart. It might hurt, but it will not hurt as much as you think. Be a big girl, eh? Don't cry. It will be worth it. 
Okay. Here we go. One...Two...Three. 


The sun was setting when we arrived. A cool breeze was welcoming us as we stepped out of the vehicle. It felt refreshing after such a long drive and I was more than happy that I had partaken in this journey. We had come to a nice location, it was near the sea I had been told and I could smell the salt in the air. Had it not been for that, the inhabitants clothes gave away the same impression. Simple worker clothes, that were comfortable to wear. They had wrinkles and looked as if they've been wet and sun dried a couple of times. The same could be said about the people, their bronze complexion gave away the years they've spent on sea. Although their sunken in eyes looked harsh, they pleasantly waved at us when they drove by inside their open cars filled with freshly catched fish. Very refreshing and different than what I was used to in the city.
Our bus driver was also our tour guide, he stopped the bus on a rather empty parking lot. The cracking voice of the intercom asked us to pack our belongings and follow him. Everyone seemed to be rather excited and I couldn't deny that I felt the same way. I glanced to the left of me, the fair haired girl sat up straight and was looking at me with a big content smile.
"We've arrived," I said to her and she nodded with her eyes half closed still smiling. Both of us felt rather sore from sitting so long, so I we packed our stuff and went outside. I didn't bring much with me, neither did she. Her backpack only affirmed her childish mannerism, it was pink and had a smiling sun on it. When I asked her about it, she giggled.
"It helps me to get through the rainy days," she explained. I found it bit childish, so I just shrugged, but honestly I couldn't see her with any other type of bag. 
"The hotel isn't far away, so please stay together and follow me, for those who are hungry there is a restaurant next to the hotel, so bear with me until we arrive ," the bus driver said. Someone, one of the two old ladies, asked how far we had to go. 
"We'll be there in a half hour, ma'am, but this is the closest parking lot they have. To maintain a good atmosphere, they rather have we didn't bring our vehicles too close to the hotel. So don't pass out on me until then," he winked at her and two ladies had another reason to babble away while we walked. A half hour walk, plenty of time to smoke away. I grabbed my package of Camel and was looking for my lighter.  With the cigarette dangling from my mouth I inspected every inch of my pockets, but didn't find it. I must have left it somewhere inside the bus. I sighed and raised my hand towards our guide, about to ask if I could reenter the bus and see if I had left my lighter there. 
The girl was still standing next to me, carefully listening to our guide giving some information on where we were. He wasn't paying attention to me so I was still fidgeting in my pockets, she probably noticed. A creamy white hand appeared in front of me with a bright pink lighter in her hand. Her eyes looked soft and inviting. I'm not normally the type of person who likes getting things offered by stranger, but I decided to make an exception.  I held my lips close to her hand and inhaled the smoke. 
"Thank you," I said and I nodded towards her. She lowered her gaze and even though she was shorter than I was, she managed to look down on me. Her lips were puckered up in slightly arrogant manner. 
"Don't mention it," and she looked away back to our guide. Normally I would have been irritated, but I couldn't bring myself to become mad at a child who wanted to act grown up. It was actually rather amusing when someone wants to be their ideal rather than themselves. Then again, who was I to judge? I, a refugee of the Self. I inhaled deeply as we quietly made our way to the hotel.