Diary of a Certain Lady: Chapter 9

“You know? If I had to name one thing I dislike about your face, it would be your teeth. I mean, they just don’t match your appearance. You have a gorgeous face, with gorgeous features and beautiful rosy skin, yet you have these ugly crooked teeth that ruin your face. Not to mention your smile, I might hate that the most,” I was pulling on a strand of hair. 
My mouth felt dry and I was trembling with frustration. I can’t recall what had caused me to be so mad. Nor do I remember when this conversation took place and why. I just know that we were both inside the hotelroom, with Fortuna guarding the door, ready for my misfortune to take place. I also know that after that night I fell a deep sense of anger and regret. My mind was empty and I felt dirty because of what she had caused me to do. Looking back on it, having the time to analyse my thoughts and characteristics, I know I was being irrational, but what could I do? Light can blind an individual from seeing the world as it is. Twisting  and turning us towards the roads our rotten hearts want, instead of what our good willed mind desire. And thus I had uttered my senses of stress by becoming mad at my love and life. 
Mea vita, mea culpa. She was perfect as she was. Even with her crooked teeth, childish mannerism and awkward presence, her character trades came together in a blend of different flavors, flowering into one big explosion of sensuality and pleasure. Yet, that moment I couldn’t even bear the sight of her. Something about her felt off. Her smile irritated me, her silk hair seemed so thin and lifeless, her big eyes reminded me of a broken porcelain doll a child guilelessly would throw away. 
Suddenly though, I knew whay it was that felt so off. Her lifeless presence. Her hollow eyes and skinny legs. She had shrunk in a metaphorical sense. She had become empty. It seemed as if the crapulence, of which she, the wine was the cause of (a wine I thought I could eternally drink of), had worn off. I had become sober again, I finally saw the world in a different light. A world not radiated by her, but by the sun, the stars and the moon.
Oh bliss, bliss and heaven... Oh, it was gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh…   What a different world it was! So crystal clear and beautifully illuminated, yet empty. Transparent and hollow instead of filled with mystic.  
“You don’t have to say it that way, I already know it,” she answered with a thin voice and watery eyes.
“No I don’t mean it in a rude way, it’s just an observation I made. Nothing to be sad about, hey stop crying,” I looked at her with raised eyebrows. She was sniffing, hiding her watery eyes behind her small hands. I had to chuckle for some reason. She looked at me in awe. 
“It might be a weird thing to say,” I paused for a second to scrap my throat before continuing. “I actually think you smiling is a terrible thing to look at. I mean, look at yourself now. You’re beautiful. You look so innocent and pure. I have difficulties refraining myself to touch you again like previous night.” I reached over to touch her cold arm, but she frightfully pulled back. 
“Please,” she said, “can you stop mentioning last night?” 
I felt my stomach was turning. A burning flame near my genitals tingled at the sight of her. Butterflies were flattering inside me and my cheeks were feeling hot. I didn’t know whether to be mad at her insult or feeling joyous at the mentioning of it at all. I licked my dry lips before asking:
“Why not? It takes two to do such an act, sweetheart,” I stroked her wet cheek. 
She cried until her clothes became soaking wet. I sat across of her, staring at her. She was indeed gorgeous if she hid her awfully looking teeth. But it wasn’t the same. She had slowly become plain. What a shame! Who would’ve thought that I’d associate a Light of God with terms as ‘awful’ and ‘plain’. But here we were. And perhaps it wasn’t her, perhaps it was me. 
Perhaps her radiating presence had lost effect over me over the course of our vacation. She was still Noor, but more dim. She had become a case on which I had to sit and ponder about instead of livie inside my own perks of reality,  something Mother had caused me to do as well. These interactions and social norms that were expected from her side from me were making me furious. How dared she drag me into her norms of reality! She was no less than Mother. A devil in an angel’s attire. There to drag me into their underworld. I was raging with anger and my flirtatious blush had become a deep agonising red. Sweat was on my forehead and I tried to control my heavy breathing, but after this wonderful insight, I had difficulties stopping myself from going all out. 
“You’re a ungrateful spoiled child,” I screamed at her. “A devil, I tell you! First there to seduct me with your angelic presence and innocent eyes, but I know what you are upto. I should’ve killed you in the bus, for now you will drag me with you into this world illuminated by hellish fire of stars and the sun. Don’t fool me. I know it all now,” I could see she was trembling in fear, but I couldn’t care less. It was not merely the frustration of reality that crept upon me, my burst of anger was everything I had kept inside over the couple of days we stayed together, exploding into a mass of rage. 
“Why won’t you radiate anymore?” I continued to her, “Hm? Answer me. Why did you change, Noor?”
She continued crying and shaking in fear. Her hair was sticking to her damp face. I shook her wildly before she finally answered me. 
“For the hundredth time, I don’t know you ma’am,” she screeched at me. “I really do not know what you’re talking ahout. Just let me go, I wanna go home, please ma’am. I just wanna go home, I don’t know you. Believe me, just let me go home, please. Please,” she had run out of breath. The last few words took the most out of her and she collapsed onto the ground. 
My mind was blanking at her response, I couldn’t think straight at that moment so I felt I need to lay down on the bed. The nausea was taking over me again and I tried to surpress it by swallowing a few times. My body hurt, but worst of all, my heart was empty. Little drops of water were rolling down my face. I picked a cigarette from my pocket and lit it before letting myself drop onto the bed and roll up into a ball desperately hoping I would soon dissolve into a gust of wind.