Midnight Conversation At 19-IV

Me: All right  02:39  
Me: I can't sleep  02:44  
You: Give it time  02:45  
You: This dream stirred you up  02:45  
Me: I'm not myself lately  02:45  
You: In what way ?  02:45  
Me: I don't know  02:45  
Me: I wonder what has happened  02:45  
Me: If I'm different  02:46  
Me: Or just got confronted with the real me  02:46  
You: You are developing as a person. It's a phase of self discovery so I guess you are still figuring this out  02:46  
Me: Developing?  02:47 
Me: Shouldn't it be over? Puberty, childhood.  02:47
Me: I wonder if I'm going forward or just am gonna remain like this.  02:47
Me: I feel like I've not grown up.  02:47
You: Well you have experienced so many things for the first time lately  02:47
Me: Yes  02:48
Me: This year was wild  02:48
Me: I felt young  02:48
Me: I thought I was prepared last year.  02:48
Me: That I was more grown up than everyone  02:48
You: You went from mature to young again to experience all those things  02:49
Me: But it's confronting. I experienced parties, getting drunk, being in love, jealous out of all things. Me: Something I never thought I would feel.  02:49
Me: I finally understand what lust is, why feelings are complex when you're in it.  02:50
You: Yes  02:50
Me: I'm just human. I thought I stood above this 02:51
You: To be wise is to know that you're not  02:51
You: Only then you truly stand above  02:51
You: Yes of course it feels good  02:52
Me: But also, where is the old me? I try to find it by dressing the way I did. I wear black, I smoke, I try to be the old me. I try to be cold to others and emotional in myself, I try to be deep and distant. I try to not care about the humane, yet I can't.  02:53
You: Don't force it  02:53
You: It will come when you're ready  02:53
You: Right now enjoy your life  02:54
Me: I'll try.  02:54
Me: But it seems happiness comes with its side effects  02:54
You: Sure  02:54
Me: Love seems to come with jealousy, friendship with fear of loss, college with possible failure, development with possible shame  02:55
You: You know, Sara  02:57
You: I actually enjoy talking to the old you better (maybe because I was used to it), but I'm glad that you are going through all of this because I am seeing you being yourself and having enjoyable, interesting and intriguing life experiences. This is important. I'm glad and happy for you.  02:58
Me: I'm sure I'm still like that. Maybe I just have forgotten.  03:02