Heartbreak

"Life is too short to be restraining yourself."

No, it's not. It's too long, way too long. Painfully long, like waiting an eternity for a doctor's appointment.
It can hurt a lot too. So much so, that you forget how to breath. It causes headaches, that make you lose your ability to reason and when, that's not enough, the pain finds its way through your body.
Then the mental pain transports itself into your chest, where your heart actually feels like it is being stomped on and is slowly falling apart into tiny icy pieces.
Even worse, the pain inside your head and the numbness inside your arms and legs can't compare to the aching beating of your heart, as if it's giving up on itself. Beating hard and slowly.
You feel the beating in your whole body, right through your soul, with loud echoes. This sensation can be overwhelming, you want to scream for it to stop, it's too much at once.
Please, just become silent!
Suddenly everything loses its color. It's just a dark pitch of nothingness, where beauty has come to die. Colors have received a grey layer of ash. They have lost their vibrant tones, it's empty and hollow. Music turns into a huge chaos of random notes, the songs you once loved, only give you headache. Your mouth is only means to save you from starvation, everything tastes the same anyway. It's all empty, shallow, boring and lifeless.
This is the naked truth of the world and the truth is an ugly grey lifeless reality.
If one were to say, that this numb feeling of emptiness would never stop, I'd eventually figure out how to live my life. Empty, but bearable.
Had that person said that the anxious twist in my stomach would last forever, I'd have no problems giving away my soul, just so the pain could finally go away. This sensation of constant nausea was the climax, the only emotion that was both the darkest moment of your life, but also the most emotion driven. Oddly enough, perhaps something to look forward to, just to escape the numbness.
But these are all consequences to the real problem that's buckled inside of you. The flame that kept you ignited, has slowly lost its flame.
You decide that the world has become grey and empty, therefor you become grey and empty. There is nothing left to intrigue you anymore.
The only thought resonating before you fall asleep is how you will manage to get yourself up the other day. How will you face the smiling people around you? How should you dress? How should you present yourself, when all interest in the outside world had been lost?
And when those days come, you know that there is nothing to enjoy about it or to feel intrigued about.
It will eventually pass anyway, you tell yourself. Before you can laugh at that joke, your mind tells you shouldn't laugh this way. Or that it's not worth enjoying yourself, since it's a matter of time it will all eventually turn into air and dust.
This alone is enough to make your day lose its value. And so you dread waking up every morning, not only wanting to avoid others, but most of all yourself in front of others.
Covered in blankets in your dark room with no sound is the only safe spot.
And you will cry to a point where you feel there is no hydration left inside your body.
Always swinging from one extreme to another. From extreme sadness or happiness to empty numbness.
There is nothing you can control. Worst of all, what people might actually think of you. Yet they're always liars, when they do tell you what it is they see, because they cannot justify this amount of ugliness, whether it is in character or appearance.
You've finally seen the world in its true colors. Endless shades of grey. The truth of the world is an ugly one and you're carrying the weight with you everywhere you go.
It's so hard to explain your emptiness, since it's hard to speak about nothingness. So you might as well keep quiet and not give away too much of your odd self.
People you care for might leave forever. They have a colorful world to run after.  A long life of new discoveries, while you feel that you've been stuck on the same date for months with no progress whatsoever.
The scariest part is losing people you care for most. How long will they patiently wait before the flowers of spring alert them that the grey winter has passed and a colorful spring is awaiting them? Is it selfish of you to expect them to wait? Or is that what friends are for?
Your voice consists out of deep sigh. There is no voice, because little can be said with a mind so filled with confusion.
We might as well give up all together. He'll leave you eventually and he'll find someone more attractive, you were just a phase.
Your family only wishes for your happiness, which you can't promise. They might give up and eventually learn to safely enter and exit your grey world.
Your friends will find other people who can make them laugh. And in the beginning you'll desperately run after them. Always the first to message your best friend, as she has other things on her mind. Always trying to stay a bit longer to socialise and try to laugh a bit. Well, whatever.
Never mind it. Eventually only that what works is good in life. This didn't work and there's no point to anything, so there is no reason to hope for anything more.
You just want to lie down in bed and close your eyes and in the end, stop existing all together.